Feature request: standup agent and story-points agent #101
Description
You've already automated the retro. Respect. But you stopped one ceremony short of liberating engineers from the full Agile Industrial Complex.
/standup - The Daily Existential Check-in
Since /retro already replaces the meeting where we pretend to learn from our mistakes, it's only logical to also replace the meeting where we pretend to have made progress.
Proposed behavior:
- Scans your git log since yesterday
- Fabricates a plausible "what I did yesterday" from commit messages, even if you spent 6 hours debugging a missing semicolon
- Generates a "what I'm doing today" that's ambitious enough to sound productive but vague enough to be unfalsifiable
- Auto-detects when you have no commits and generates a tasteful "was in meetings / reviewing PRs / unblocked others" excuse
- Adds a "blockers" section that's always empty, because admitting you're blocked in standup is admitting defeat
Stretch goal:
Detect when you're in a different timezone than your team and auto-post to Slack at 9:01 AM their time, so it looks like you were definitely awake.
/story-points - The Fibonacci Séance
Every sprint planning, a room full of engineers who mass-produce deterministic software hold up cards with numbers on them and pretend this is science. Let the machine do it.
Proposed behavior:
- Reads the ticket description (if one exists — bold assumption)
- Ignores everything written in the acceptance criteria since the PM will change it mid-sprint anyway
- Assigns a number from the Fibonacci sequence based on:
- How many files the change probably touches (×1.5 if it involves CSS)
- Whether the words "simple", "just", or "quick" appear in the description (auto-13)
- How many times the ticket has been reopened (exponential scaling)
- A random entropy factor to simulate the variance between what the senior says ("it's a 2") and what the junior thinks ("I'd say 8 but I'll agree with 3 so nobody looks at me")
- Outputs a confidence interval that no one will read
Stretch goal:
/refinement that generates 45 minutes of increasingly circular questions about edge cases that will never happen, then concludes "let's take this offline."
Why this matters
You built /retro — the ceremony where we look backwards and agree to do better.
You built /plan-ceo-review — the ceremony where we look forwards and agree to do more.
You built /ship — the ceremony where the code finally escapes.
The only things left holding engineers hostage are standups and estimation. Free them. Complete the autopilot. Let the humans go back to what they were actually hired for: arguing about tabs vs spaces in code review.
"Any sufficiently advanced automation of Agile ceremonies is indistinguishable from just doing the work."