core/fortune.tex at dev · Andonome/core · GitHub

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\section*{The Quantum Ogre and the Massive Idiot}

\begin{multicols}{2}
\begin{speechtext}

  Here is my \glsfmtlong{sp}, old woman.
  Now tell me my fortune!
  What will I see on the road?

  {\sffamily \Pgls{ogre} awaits you on the road.
  Keep your eyes open, and your bow strung!}

  No need!
  We planned to take the South road to town, but we can switch to the West instead, and avoid the \gls{ogre} entirely.

  {\sffamily Foolish man!
  The \gls{ogre} lies in your path.
  You will meet it tomorrow.}

  Speak sense, hag!
  Does it stalk the South or the West?
  Which road did your tea indicate?

  {\sffamily Yours.}

  Well played!
  Tell me my road and I'll give you some copper, but no more silver.

  {\sffamily Listen well, I told you already.
  Yours is the path with the \gls{ogre}.}

  Men!
  We take the West road tomorrow!
  Prepare to leave at first light!
  \ldots Now crone, tell me, how long until the \gls{ogre} travels to the West road?
  I'll surprise him, and my men, tomorrow, when I take the road going South.

  {\sffamily He won't travel; he sits there already.}

  Sits \underline{where}?
  On the South road, or the West?
  Or is he some quantum creature, being on both roads at the same time?

  {\sffamily Quantum?
  No, he stands as tall as a house, upon the road you travel tomorrow.
  How is your head both dense and soft at the same time?}

  Don't get coy, you old battle-axe.
  You're talking in circles and riddles.
  Return my silver at once!

  {\sffamily If you take your silver back, I wouldn't have told you about the \gls{ogre} in the first place.
  So you can deduce clearly that you won't have your money back.
  Just ready your men and your bows.
  Fate approaches.}

  And suppose I stay here?
  Suppose I remain in these walls.
  \ldots Does anyone here have a room to rent!?
  \ldots I'll stay in a privy if I must, and wait for the \gls{ogre} to come and eat you.
  How about that?

  {\sffamily Stay as long as you wish.
  The \gls{ogre} remains on your road.}

  Is he immortal now?
  If I stay here for a year, will he wait for me on the road, even if a thousand rangers hunt for him?

  {\sffamily Whatever rangers do, bards will sing of the depth of your ignorance!
  ``\Pgls{ogre} on the road'', I tell you, and somehow you find a way to not understand.
  Even if you remain here ten years, and rangers slay a dozen \glspl{ogre}, you will leave one day, and meet fate.}

  And if I stay here forever?
  Am I now immortal, since death would prevent my appointment on the road?

  {\sffamily Ah, but you won't.
  Now stop your pig-headed nonsense, sharpen that sword, oil your bowstring, and quit your cowardice!
  The \gls{ogre} does not sit waiting for you any more than you wait for it.
  Regardless, your fate awaits, as sure as a storm cloud.}

  Give me my money, bitch!
  Hey, come back here!
  You can't outrun me!

  {\sffamily Help!
  That awful man wants to rob me!
  Open the gate, hold him back, let me out!}

  Take your hands off me!
  Let me leave!
  Open the gate again!
  You can't hold me here forever!
  Open the fucking gate!

  {\sffamily Come on then, dickhead!
  You want your money?
  \ldots Oh my poor lungs, I cannot run any more, I must walk.
  So walk with me on the road.
  It looks like you're going West after all.}

\end{speechtext}
\end{multicols}